I’m really stressed out with work at the moment and it’s starting to have a negative impact on my depression. Combine that with a couple of weeks of shenanigans where my sleep pattern and med schedule got messed up, I had some really high highs and a couple low lows and… yeah, I’m mentally all over the place. I’ve fallen behind in housework and I’m not cooking or eating properly. I’m really glad of this long weekend to hopefully try and recharge. I’d like to get my kitchen cleaned, change my bedding and organise the chairdrobe but honestly, if all I do is just destress, then that’s perfectly fine because I need it.
And so, I need a little happy place right now. A little list of what makes me happy. My happy things. A list that doesn’t involve yoga or candles or any of the other generic self-care prompts that float around:
1. Going to bed and knowing I don’t have an alarm set in the morning
2. Having a hot bath, putting on warm & clean pjs and getting into a freshly made bed with clean bedding
3. Watching Stargate
4. Raintown gigs – with a side order of Paul’s hugs
5. TLOR gigs… and Riley greeting me by name with a kiss and a hug.
6. When I’m writing and the words flow just right
7. Losing myself in a good story for hours – regardless of whether it’s original fic or fanfic
8. The ability to download TV shows and movies and books and music
10. Going to the zoo
11. Caramel hot chocolate
13. My living room. The colours! Being surrounded by my books and my DVDs.
14. Curling up on my couch with a wordsearch
15. Getting a massage
16. Go for a walk in the park
17. Cherry Pepsi Max & Raisin Biscuit Yorkies
18. New stationery
19. Forced orgasms in bondage
20. Amanda Tapping, when she smiles and hugs me and kisses me and tells me I’m beautiful
Apparently, sometimes you just need to dance in the rain!
It’s been an… odd couple of months, mental health wise. I’ve been struggling and trying to deny it and back on my meds for three weeks now. I had the nightmare 10 days or so of riding out the waves of side-effects. Obviously, the meds aren’t fully functioning yet but I’m starting to see some admittedly small changes.
This week… this week has been very stressful at work.
Facilities me has been run off her feet sorting out the after effects of a fire in the warehouse.
Finance me has had some pretty epic yelling suppliers. There have been tears and there have been tantrums!
It all came to a head on Thursday afternoon. I snapped at a supplier on the phone, I hid in the loo and cried multiple times. I ate my weight in chocolate a few times over. I was… shall we actively fighting the urge to do something stupid. I mostly achieved it.
Throw in a hellish drive down to London on Friday (it took me 7 hours to drive 170 miles!) and the weather at the weekend and I almost said fuck it and didn’t go.
But I did.
Saturday, in an utterly shocking statement, I went to a Raintown gig. They were playing in Canada Square as part of Nashville meets London. Kicked the whole thing off which was AWESOME. It was slightly damp in the way that I was soaked through my pac-a-mac. I’d hit the point I was completely drenched, couldn’t physically get any wetter.
I just… I let go. I was singing my heart out, crying my eyes out, laughing, and just… yeah dancing in the rain. It was what I needed.
Yeah, going back to work pretty much killed me this week. However, there have been no disasters and I’m starting to feel like I’m actually getting caught up on things, so there’s that. Hurrah. My routine is getting pretty settled and I’m feeling positive. 🙂
I’m also doing pretty well towards most of my January goals: I avoided the vending machine at work all week, I’ve been drinking at least 1.5l water a day, I only went to Greggs once and I didn’t order in pizza.
I lost 4lb – my weight is down to 207. *cheers*
I also found my fitbit and charger and charged my fitbit and got a baseline of my food and walking over last week. Which means I’ve been able to give myself a goal for the coming week of walking 6050 steps a day or 2.5 miles a day. I’m aiming towards a daily calorie intake of 1300.
I’ve also been writing. As well as that John solo fic, I’ve written like 3k of Jack/Cam and I found and have been editing an old unfinished CW RPS AU fic.
So 2016 was the year I found my new normal after the last 1/3 of 2015., I got on meds that stabilised me, I found a therapist that really helped me and I’m feeling pretty balanced.
Don’t get me wrong, the year started off disastrously. I attempted suicide. I cut again for the first time in 2 years. I lost a job I loved. My guardian angels have been working overtime to protect me from myself a few points.
But sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to come back.
And I have. I’ve found another job. I’m no longer in danger of losing my nest. I had an amazing holiday with my Natalie. I’ve been to some kick ass cons and met some people very important to me. I discovered that some things I used to be terrified of are no longer as they once we’re.
I may not have been to as many gigs and cons as I would have liked. I don’t have any planned for 2017. But there is some semblance of financial stability in the not too distant future and I will be able to start getting out of debt.
So here is to an awesome 2017! May it be filled with love and laughter and good food and amazing people and all of the things that make us happy
Things did get better on Sunday. I took my anxiety meds, showered, took the pills and potions and went to Tesco once I’d calmed down. I then spent the afternoon curled up on the couch watching Shirley Valentine and Silent Hill.
Yesterday I decided I’d had enough of having a cough and no voice for over a week so I rang the doctors for an appointment. Only to be told I could have one in January. Um… no. Start telling the receptionist that I’m asthmatic and though I had a chest infection only to dissolve into a coughing fit. That managed to get me a call back from the doctor.
When the doctor called, I could barely talk and just coughed lots. He turned around and got me an appointment for the following morning.
9:20 this morning rolls around and I get seen by the doctor on time. Mild fever, blood oxygen and blood pressure normal. Lungs ‘perfectly clear’ and then he looks down my throat. He declares it’s all very red and swollen and angry and that there’s ulcers all around my pharynx. Says I have pharyngitis and laryngitis. That it normally takes 10-15 days to clear so I’m at the half-way mark. Keep hydrated, keep taking paracetamol and soothers. Rest my voice. If it’s not better next week come back.
On the bright side, I don’t have to answer the phones in work! I’ve got my phone set to ‘send all to voicemail’, pick up the messages as they’re left and email people back with ‘sorry, can’t return your call, I’ve got laryngitis’… I’m clearing my backlog of emails and queries nicely which makes me happy.
Tonight… tonight I’m thinking I’m going to stay curled up on my couch and listen to the Spotify ‘Christmas Crackers’ playlist, in an effort to find some Christmas spirit before the weekend. So far there’s been Shakin’ Stevens, Wham!, Wizzard, Paul McCartney, Band Aid and still to come there’s Slade, The Pogues & Kirsty Macoll, Elton John, Michael Buble…
But of course, I can’t sing along 😦